Love in the time of Coronavirus and Lockdown feels. Feeling weird, anxious or under pressure to be productive but find yourself lacking motivation to do anything? You’re not alone and here’s why.

All around the world we are standing still – lives are on pause, income streams majorly affected, and relationships sped or slowed down up against our will. For many of us this can mean feeling anxious, overwhelmed and powerless; wings clipped.

We are grounded. Dreaming of adventure. Flights to far off destinations are, deservedly, reserved for repatriation or emergency reasons only. Our travel plans and summer holidays have been cancelled, our adventures postponed for a future date. But it’s all for a good reason: stay home, stay safe, save lives and support our NHS. Because we’ve never needed them more that we do right now.

Along with home workouts using kettle bells and resistance bands, which are hard to track down online due to COVID19 gym closures, we’ve been doing lots of painting and decorating and home DIY. We’ve also been making the most of the little outdoor space that’s accessible to us right now; the balcony. Who knew that deck chairs would be like gold dust this summer?! Along with a cute orange metal table & chairs set from Habitat, we’ve bought a few pots of coral red geraniums, and couple of tomato plants (a tumbling toms for the hanging basket and a Roma variety, delivered from a local garden centre.)

There was about a month long waiting list for the deckchairs from John Lewis to come back into stock, but they were worth the wait! The quality is lovely, and the fact you can also but interchangeable sling washable cotton seats for them is really handy too! Lots of cool colours and prints to choose from.

No one could have anticipated the ways that our lives would be (and continue to be) impacted by the Coronavirus in the UK. Whether that’s financially, physically, mentally or spiritually, no one is left untouched by this. We’re all in the same boat really - it’s just that some of us have better financial life rafts, at least for a while. But we’re all perched on the edge, waiting for that familiar shore to come back into focus. For normality to resume. Whatever that new normal might look like?

Will we be more cautious after this? We will be more reckless? Will we live and love harder than ever before? Will we dream bigger? Who knows, but dream we must.

With lives feeling more than a little rocky right now, it’s important to remember that it’s ok to grieve. It’s ok to allow yourself to feel a sense of loss about what we could, should or would be doing, if COVID19 hadn’t had its wicked way. Distraction and escapism are two of the coping mechanisms that I’ve always found myself falling back on, when life gets tough and shit hits the fan.

In many ways, removing the choice of being able to go out or travel freely, forces you to think about what really matters most. Allow that imagination to run wild. What is it you really want?

Right now, I’m swinging between feeling completely overwhelmed and anxious and blissfully happy. Unable to return to my old room in a shared flat Camberwell, I’m now — somewhat fortuitously — living in a surreal isolation bubble with my partner, and have moved into his place. My days are spent job hunting, cooking, exercising, and enjoying one another’s company – but I know I’m one of the lucky ones, to have someone to share and talk through this horrific experience with.

I work for myself (as a freelance social media consultant & coach), but work is thin on the ground at the moment - non-existent really. I’d applied for a full-time role just before Coronavirus took hold, to try and find something with more security & stabile, but the jobs I’d applied for (in influencer marketing, account director, etc) have frozen their hiring process, understandably. Since then, I’ve had to tell my landlord that I cannot afford to pay my next rent. When I’m at my lowest of lows, I feel deflated, defeated. Like I’ve failed in some way. Sadness fills my very core. But I know I’m one of the more fortunate ones.

The balcony aka my little art studio set up.

Anyone else finding they are drinking more in lockdown? We were kindly sent a bottle of this Jaffa Cake Gin to try. If you’re into chocolate orange flavoured things, then this is one for you!

When I’m feeling a little lighter, I’m trying to appreciate every little thing that I can right now, every moment that I have. I can’t watch or read too much news, it’s heart-breaking hearing the same story, but with names switched out. The lives that have been irrevocably changed by this. But we will be stronger, more stoic, more selective because of what we are going through.

My day (like many of you, I expect?) is a cycle of waking, making or drinking tea, watching the news, having breakfast, reading emails (the few that still come) scrolling through Instagram, looking at LinkedIn, reading updates on Twitter. I pick up my kindle and read a book when I can muster up the energy or enthusiasm. I’ve tried to draw more too, hoping to find comfort in creativity. I cook a lot. More than I ever have. Feeling like if I am looking after us both, keeping us fed and healthy, that I might just be able to keep us safe. Then there’s times that I just watch hours and hours of tv; the global messaging urging us to be productive paralysing me from actually doing anything towards what I would and should be spending my time on.

Various moods of lockdown: Isolation portraits shot over FaceTime by J.W. Fairey for @inisolationproject

I had a wine and Zoom chat with my oldest best mate on Saturday. I told her how I was feeling, lethargic and unmotivated. She shared an article which basically says “why we should ignore all that Coronavirus-inspired productivity pressure” - and just ignore all those messages to do more! Take a peek at the tips they share on how to embrace a new normal at this weird and uncertain time.

Then I have moments when I get engulfed by fear. I start to catastrophise, imagining the worst that could happen. My brain and heart start racing. Aching at the thought of “what if I only have 14 days left?!” The What if… hanging over me. Crushing anxiety. I asked my partner if he gets the same thoughts or feelings. He doesn’t. But he understands that I am a worrier. The hug does not go unappreciated.

Social Distancing and Isolation, has also sped up my relationship too (as I expect it has many others) – there’s a great new Where Should We Begin podcast episode by Esther Perel called Couple’s Under Lockdown, which talks about couples who have been forced to live together during Coronavirus lockdown and isolation, and how it affects their relationship. My partner and I talked about how, if this lockdown had happened a year ago, when we were only a couple of months into seeing one another, it may have been the death of our relationship; moving in together would have seemed a bit hasty. But I guess what it boils down to is this: when you take choice out of it, all that’s left is what it is – you have to just go along with whatever option is left, and my option was to move in with him, and cook for my keep! It’s certainly a good test of any relationship.

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I started writing this post a few weeks ago, and have just picked it up again now; 8-weeks in to lockdown life. The feelings of anxiety still rear their head, and I find they are much worse when I’m feeling hormonal too..

Anyway, I decided to do an Instagram post about what we’d learnt about one another, my boyfriend and I, since being in lockdown together. Here’s what we had to say about living with one another for the first time…

Q. What have you learnt about yourself (& your partner*) during lockdown? What annoys the hell out of you that you didn’t notice before? Or what do you love now more than ever?

We’ve all got funny idiosyncrasies... and now is the perfect time for each and every one to rear it’s weird little head! I decided to ask @rambunctious_rj what he’d learnt about me during this last 8-weeks living together... Him on me: “you’re an even better cook than I thought you were. You’re v. creative. A peaceful soul.

You leave crumbs in the butter (what-a-mess!) You’re like a gremlin — I can’t give you caffeine after 2pm or you’ll still be dancing around at 2am. We both enjoy spending time at home, more than we maybe thought. We both relish a DIY project and making a home together.”

Me on him: “You are the cleanest, most domesticated man I’ve ever met or lived with! You are fastidious about keeping on top of the laundry (& go through copious amounts of fabric softener and cleaning products!) You enjoy cleaning the bathroom, and do it throughly! You know — & use — every single @dyson vacuum cleaner adapter possible (something I find weirdly attractive?!)

You will get an idea/task in your head... and talk yourself out of it to begin with, before needing a little persuasion... to talk yourself back into it.

You are addicted to the convenience of shopping on Amazon, “it was on special offer” and find a way to justify every purchase... beyond the point it needs justifying— but always ensures we have what we need.

You’re very practical and unexpectedly brilliant at DIY. Nothing phases you — even when I’ve scoured Pinterest and coming up with ideas for the next project. You always smell great! You have just as much skincare / perfume as I do. Finally, you’re caring, affectionate and reassuring when I get anxious/worried, and that means the world. Shout out to @moonbeam_min for this suggestion.

P.s. I know not everyone has someone with them right now, which might make it far more peaceful actually? But if you do need someone to talk to, please reach out. There’s always someone with time to speak to you if you’re not quite feeling yourself right now. If you prefer to speak to a stranger, The Samaritans charity provide round the clock support for anyone who needs to talk. Sending love to you all x