When it comes to Dating Apps... are we really better in person? I found out on Thursday...
How good are you at Dating? (I’m using a capital D, because it’s pretty serious stuff…) How do you measure good? What does “success” look like? What do you even want? Where do you even start when it comes to finding “the one” or at least “the next one”?
I guess, like anything involving some sort of end goal, it’s gonna be hugely informed by what your objective is. That. Coupled with a) how well you handle rejection and b) how fast you can pick yourself back up again when you’ve been floored by love, lust or a combination of the two.
Some common reasons for using a Dating App aka Dating Objectives may sound like…
Downloaded a Dating App to give it a whirl, because you’ve never tried that way of meeting people before
Heal a broken heart aka the classic: “get under someone to get over someone” technique
Build your confidence / Try something new / Meet new people & make new friends
Broaden your sexual horizons / hookup / experiment with fetishes or kinks or other weird and wonderful offerings from the underworld of dating..
Cure your boredom
Fill a void (literally and/or figuratively)
Use Dating Apps like you would Trip Advisor to explore a new city
Or maybe… just maybe… you’d just half the cost of living and/or rather not die alone surrounded by cats and would actually really like to find the Love of your life
Ok, ok.. so a few of these are questionable, I know… but at one time or another – between the lot of us – I’m sure we’ve done them all.
I’m gonna put it out there… As a self-proclaimed (she winces) reasonably attractive single (not so recently divorced) woman, age 37, with no kids, her own house and a good job, you would imagine that it could be quite easy to find a date. However, with more ways to meet people than you can shake a stick at these days, you wonder how Dating Apps can compete with one another in such a saturated market place. And how you even find the time to fit in dating proactively. Because that’s just it: you HAVE to be proactive - selective, but proactive.
If you’re a frequent user, signed up to multiple dating apps, and living anywhere outside of London (or a big city) the options can be quite limited, and the same old faces pop up again and again.
London, my friends – for me anyway - has to be one of THE funnest cities IN THE WORLD to enjoy the perks of Singledom.
Now, Manchester… on the other hand… that’s a slightly different story… A city I have not long moved back to… And this dating story - the one I’m about to tell you – started on Thursday (literally and figuratively).
I wake up a couple of hours before my working day is about to start. Pondering what to do with my week, and feeling increasingly restless since the infinite after hours options I had been used to in London were no longer a short tube ride away. And I suddenly remember someone telling me about this new Dating App called Thursday. I’d seen the signs dotting the escalator on the London underground. I was intrigued. What is it? Had they just called it after a day of the week because of the shame of telling someone you met your partner on Tinder? An app renowned for hookups. I have cast no shade over those seeking hookups. They can be very fun, serve a purpose and sometimes… even lead to love.
Well, that might be one way of looking at it… However, the reasoning behind the name Thurday is actually much more layered and considered than that. As it turns out… Thursday the Dating App (who’s clever little marketing strap line is ‘The offline dating app #BetterinPerson’) plays on a couple of classic marketing stalwarts. The first FOMO (fear of missing out) as it is only actually active and available to use on – YEP! You Guessed It! A THURSDAY! Ta Da! And secondly on our innate human desire for connection and ultimately LOVE.
You download the app, and as you would to set your profile up on the likes of Hinge and Bumble, you have the ability to add multiple “thumb-stopping” photos and witty conversation starters underneath your pics to make you stand out from the local talent.
You then find a map, with little pins showing the profile pics of active Thursday App Singletons, each dotted around your local area. With the the option to either send them a like, or a message in the hope of chatting and matching and getting a date – and/or to attend the exclusive Thursday app parties. These events - are just for singles - and are located in select cities (Manchester has one location right now, but I’m sure more will pop up… London Singles, on the other hand are spoilt for choice! So many cute venues to choose from.) My Thursday App dating event ticket cost £5, or you can pay more if you arrive later.
Being new to Thursday’s concept, I didn’t quite understand the importance of properly looking through the app, and assessing the likes I had received IN ADVANCE of actually arriving at the event itself. My first fail of the evening - more to come on that…
The event took place at Brickhouse Social in Manchester. A short walk from Manchester Oxford Road station, and a couple of streets away from where I’d parked my car. Yes, I drove. Unsure whether this was the best option…
I arrived at bang on 7pm - the event start time - my friends not far behind me. Note: this was unusually punctual behaviour for me… I showed my ticket on the app to the folks on the door, and entered. Wearing an outfit I’d gotten changed into quickly in the car outside. Once inside, it suddenly became clear that I was the first and only one there. OH GOD! OH GOD! WHAT A SADDO?!
Feeling both a little desperate and peckish, I ordered myself a Peroni 0.0% and a pizza (as you do). I’m just sitting myself down in one of the booths, and starting to nurse said alcohol-free Peroni beer when another Singleton turns up. He spies me sitting there all alone, and sits down at my table. I say hello and laugh awkwardly. He’s handsome, in more of a formal way. Not my type at all. But a nice guy. He introduces himself as R and asks if it’s my first time. I tell him it is.
He says he’s been to a couple of Speed Dating events before and that it’s a really good way of checking whether there is any instant chemistry with someone. He says you can usually tell in about 30 seconds. I agree. When you know, you know…
Side note: From lessons in love learnt the hard way, what I will add is that instant or crazy hot Chemistry is not always a sign of a great relationship, those sparks may be flying for whole other reasons that you’re yet to discover. Anyway, enough of me obsessing over Attachment Styles (but if you haven’t yet read the book ‘Attached: Are you Anxious, Avoidant or Secure? How the science of adult attachment can help you find – and keep – love’ by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller you should 100% take a look! I found it fascinating and very very informative. Lots of lightbulb moments…)
Anyway, I tell R that I’m hungry and have ordered a pizza. He laughs. Clutching his matching Peroni 0.0%. We speak for a while, then my friends turn up and it’s suddenly the three of us. All women of a certain age (37) - each single and slightly jaded by dating - and R. Poor man. It’s like we’re interviewing him. My pizza arrives. I devour half of it, thinking the others may have a slice… but nope. Just me, greedy guts! Haha.
The funny thing is about a Thursday Dating App event, is that once at said event, if you open the app, you can see who is actually there too. And the phrase ‘Better in Person’ is thoroughly put to the test… R shows us his profile. I ask if he would like any feedback. He says yes. I take a look: he’s athletic, active, likes holidaying on boats in Turkey, owns an Audi and a nice suit and appears to wear sunglasses 💯 of the time. I tell him its a nice profile, but there is one thing missing…
An image of his actual face! I ask if he has anything we could upload to ‘optimise his dating profile potential’… He flicks through his photos on his phone. Pulls up a pic… BUT… It’s like a passport pic cropped close. “Erm? Not quite what I was thinking… Have you got anything that is a bit… erm… less… LinkedIn? Something that shows minimum 3/4 of you? Head to the waist?”
He doesn’t.
I have an idea. The lighting in the venue is quite decent, the backdrop is not corporate, and he’s obviously made an effort with his appearance for tonight’s event. Pocket square and everything.
“Can I take a photo of you? As you are now?” I ask. “I’ll do a good job. Promise.”
Ok, he agrees.
I snap a few photos on my iPhone, instructing him to look this way and that. To move his hands, turn his body. And then I work my magic in VSCO, editing the colour of the photos slightly, to remove any redness or uneven skin tone caused by the bar’s lighting. Moments later I’m airdropping them to him on his iPhone. His face lights up. He’s a happy bunny. It’s not the first time I’ve redone a guy’s dating app pics. I mean, at least two of the people I helped met their current partner shortly after their dating profile update (new photos and reworded bio text) and now even have offspring with them! Wild eh? The Lucie Loves touch…
He’s a good catch R. Accountant. Sensible. Father a Doctor. Mother a Dentist. Privately educated. I hope he finds love and happiness. Who knows? Maybe my pic will help him bag a beaut!?
The girls and I turn our attention back to our own searches. The phone signal in the venue is non-existent, hmmm… time to get on the wi-fi in the venue. Logged in. We search. I scour the faces on the map for someone that catches my eye and send them a like.
They message me! Eek!
Belly fully of nerves, I quickly shoot back a reply and ask if he is coming to the event tonight. He says yes.
“Oh… with friends or alone?” He confirms he’s just coming by himself. He’s new to Manchester, having moved up from London to buy a place just outside the city about 3-months ago. Interesting…
I tell him that it’s still pretty quiet at the moment, but should get busier… And then I wait.
A young lad, 27 ( a whole 10 years younger than us) tells us it is his third time at the event and invites us to play beer pong with him. Why not eh?
There are proper Student Union vibes going on - and I’m feeling a little on the old side, compared to the crop-top wearing youngsters around me… but I shrug it off. It’s actually quite refreshing to see people put themselves out there like this. To have the confidence to turn up to an event, alone, and just see what happens!
A crowd gathers around the beer pong table. We feel like the cool kids. I miss 99% of my shots but manage to score one!! Woo hoo! As Maria and I aren’t drinking, we delegate pint downing privileges to our new Thursday friends. They happily oblige and drink the free booze.
And then I see him. He’s actually turned up. I take in the sight of him from afar. Tall. About 6’2”, 34. He shows his ticket and walks into the bar, wearing a really smart wool coat with slim lapel. I wave hello and go up to introduce myself, a kiss on the cheek picks up a fragrance that I cannot quite put my finger on.
We move to the bar, making small talk as we go. Like me, he works 100% remote, so took some time to choose where best to buy a house outside of London. He’s been single for a year and half. Loves to travel alone. Is handsome enough that he doesn’t really seem like he would have any trouble finding a date on a conventional app. I guess the event just gave him something to do on a free evening.
I ask if he likes beer pong. He says yes… if they know how to play it properly…
He asks if I’d like a drink, I have a coke. And then we move to the side of the room and talk some more. There’s a slight air of arrogance. I guess that comes with the looks territory. He’s into people watching. We’re standing there talking, finding out a bit more about one another and discussing the importance of ‘instant chemistry’ when, suddenly, this young twenty-something - definitely 10 years younger than me - strides up and places herself in front of him and goes: “Are you two together?”
My jaw drops. Is she kidding? She is not.
He looks at me, and looks back at her. “Erm, we are not together. We have just met and well, we are talking…” I reply. As if this should be enough to tell her to do one. She looks longingly at my date. Back at me. And huffs off into the now crowded bar area.
Moments before, he had just been telling my how much more direct Manchester girls are compared to London girls.
“See! He says! What did I tell you!?” He laughs.
“I see.” I say, still shocked at how brazen she was.
We carry on chatting, but I’m suddenly excruciatingly aware that we are being watched. From every angle. It makes me feel uneasy. You see… The event is heavy on the women. HEAVY! Throughout the evening it went from about 90% women. 10% men. To 80% women to 20% men. To 70% women to 30% men to about 60% women to 40% men. (And when I say men and women, I am talking about male-presenting and female-presenting appearances only.)
If you’re a guy looking for a girl! MATE! You would’ve done very well at this event. But as a woman, it felt a little bit too competitive for my liking.
I shrug it off and carry on chatting to him, but I’m a bit perplexed by the situation. He asks if I would like another drink. I tell him I’m good, ta. But the music in the bar is fairly loud, and I cannot hear the last couple of things he says. I don’t follow him. Instead, I leave his side and return to my mates. I just don’t think I’m feeling it. I feel a bit flat, if anything. Is it that I’m put off by the competition? That I don’t feel like it’s the most ideal scenario to chat to someone you’d like to find out more about, whilst you’re surrounded by shark infested waters…
Maria and Jenna look at me, they can see I’m looking a bit glum. How’s it going? He looks nice! Where has he gone?” I tell them he’s at the bar, and then I wait. Wondering what the hell I do now.
I cannot go on the app and match with someone else whilst the person I’m talking to is still in the room… can I? Hmm.
My date walks back over. We start talking again. I tell him I’m going to leave soon. He was like “Oh? I thought you of all people would be staying late, as you’re not working tomorrow?” “I’m driving…” “Oh!” He says… “How much is a taxi from Manchester to where you live?” I stand there, wondering whether he is making small talk or trying to persuade me to stay later, leave me car and get a cab back.
But… before I can wrap my head around. Shark attack! Another hot young twenty-something thing swoops in. All highlighter and contours. Curly blowdry and puffed lips. The beauty of youth radiating off her. Then comes the question… “Are you two together or are you just friends?” She says. Bold as brass. Here we go… I think. I cannot hear shit. I have no idea what he’s saying. I say '“ we’re not together, but we’re talking…” But this time. It doesn’t work. The girl goes nowhere. Instead, she is planted firmly in front of him. Batting her eyelashes and flicking her hair. Suddenly I feel very tired. I have no fight in me to win this battle. I grab my jacket. Kiss him on the cheek and tell him it was nice to meet him, but I’m leaving.
She can have him.
My friends are looking on like “WTF just happened there…?”
“I lost.” I say. I’m not chasing him. I just want to go home.
“Ah ok! Maybe he will message you later? He was watching you as you walked off like he didn’t want you to go…” Maria says, trying to soften the dent in my ego. “Nope, Maria. He probably doesn’t know that all matches are deleted at midnight…So even if he wanted to, he couldn’t!”
“Do you want to get some food?” Jenna says. “Yeah, go on then…” I reply.
10 minutes later we’re sitting in Pizza Co eating boxes of fried chicken and chips, and comparing ourselves to heavily discounted things in Tesco. Yellow Sticker items. Maria tells me to not be silly! That I’m Tesco’s Finest. I laugh, saying I might once have been Tesco’s finest, but I’ve now got three yellow stickers - one on top of the other – and come at a heavily discounted price! We all laugh. At that moment, I am very very glad that I did not go alone and that I can cry my way home in the car, by myself.
It’s then that I realise why I found the situation so strangely ironic. You see? We do it all the time. At least many of us do. We match with multiple people, chat to multiple people. Date multiple people. All without the other matches knowing little old you even exists. So, to see the match come up and swipe your date right out from under your nose is pretty bloody brutal for the self-esteem. But a reminder, that in life, it doesn’t help to be passive. You really do have to put yourself out there. Because, if you don’t, someone else will.
Whilst this first-ever Thursday experience left my ego a little bruised, I can see that for some, it would be a great way of actually meeting people. As opposed to the endless chat and dating admin you sometimes have to do, before you ever go on an actual date. If Zak, our Beer Pong instigator can go to three Thursday events and still want more, then surely - for the right people, THIS could be the way to find love. And if not love, then just have fun and meet new friends.
As for me, I think the crowd may have been a bit too 18-30 for my liking. But I would be interested to see whether the other Thursday parties attract a more mature Singleton. Have you tried Thursday? What did you think?
Tips for using the Thursday Dating App
Download the app
Set up your profile - choose decent pics - ones that actually look like you do in person help e.g. not ones that are heavily filtered and make sure people can at least see what your face looks like without sunglasses, etc.
On Thursday morning, open the Thursday app and take a look at who is active near you
Use your likes well! Infact, just use them - they do not rollover to the following week - nor do your matches. You get a limited number of likes that you can send off - like cupid - into the ether. In the hope that someone will fancy you too and want to meet
If you are free and serious about meeting someone, grab a single mate or two and buy tickets to the event. Failing the availability or willingness or any Single Wingmen/women/persons you can just show up on your own. A lot of people do, and you will be made to feel welcome.
In advance of the event, if you like someone, arrange to meet them at the event. Note: if you have your eyes on multiple people, this may be tricky to navigate, but… it is up to you to manage those expectations…
Choose your outfit carefully; first impressions count. I saw everything from the “nice top and a pair of jeans” look, to more formal/dressy out out outfits. You do you.
Be prepared to get approached – and poached. Brutal, I know.
Act fast! Be aware that your day’s matches will disappear at midnight. So unless you’ve exchanged digits, there may be no way of finding this person ever again. A blessing in disguise or a an absolute travesty – you decide!
Enjoy it for what it is - a chance to meet new people in a different way. Embrace your own FOMO.
Disclaimer: This post is in no way sponsored or affiliated with the Thursday app. Just my own thoughts and feelings. And hopefully a little advice for those wishing to get the most out of the Thursday experience. :-)